Perfectionist

It didn’t used to be this hard to release content, but I’ve made the decision to upload this Thursday for the sole reason of “fuck it” and “I’m holding myself back out of my own perfectionist mindset.”

But it didn’t used to be this way.

The past

Something that I do way too much, much more than I’d like to admit, is think about the past. The past has already happened, and it’s something I can’t change. That’s the truth. I can’t go back and change the past, but I can use the past to influence how I make choices in the future, and the truth is I think I was a lot cooler when I started making content than how I am now. Sure, my mindset and mentality wasn’t the most healthy and sustainable for the long term, but I was making things that I thought were cool, and I was getting recognition for it. I was being rewarded through being connected with people I wouldn’t otherwise have been connected to. It was satisfying, and I was making content that although I think was “lazy”, it was authentic. I would talk more about my mentality, my outlooks on life, and my philosophies.

Figuring things out

But I haven’t recently for a multitude of reasons, with the main one being I am still figuring shit out. It isn’t easy being diagnosed with a chronic disorder, living in uncertainty over what’s going on with your body for over a year, trying to pull yourself out of whatever hole you dug for yourself. There are a lot of things that I am learning about, but they’re still too new and fresh. But that doesn’t mean I can’t make videos about other things.

The honest truth is I am a hobbyist. That shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. But I don’t want to fall victim to making low-effort gear-slop setup videos. I find that there is a lot of software I use that would be fun to show off, but the videos won’t be long enough.

I think that’s the biggest struggle I’m having with content. I don’t want to make super short content, but honestly most of the videos I want to make can either be shorter more though-out blog posts or a shorter video that idk how well it will do. But that’s the PROBLEM. Why do I care how well the video does if I didn’t care while I was getting my first 1000 suscribers?

Caring about metrics

Now HERE is the main underlying issue. Not to diminish everything else, but there’s this impostor syndrome I have with myself where I feel like I don’t deserve anything I have in life and that I am fake and a failure and blah blah blah. Cringe. But also metrics are so easy to get sucked into. I just have to suck it up and make content that a) I would watch, and b) that are about things I find genuinely interesting. Metrics only tell a little bit of the story, and how well a video does over a short period of time doesn’t dictate how well it does in the long term. I also think that there’s a lot to improve with my videos, especially as of recent. My set design is really bad. My room and vibe is lifeless; it’s like I am living in a dungeon LMAO. So that’s all to change.

We’re turning this ship around and heading straight for our original destination; I’m going to make content that I actually care about without even considering the metrics. Fuck YouTube and the addictive numbers (I’m just an addict, but let’s just ignore that for now…)