Personal accountability

I’ve done a lot of reflection over the past few days about my life, where I am, and how unhappy I am with it. I’ve been slowly digging myself a deeper hole by not taking personal accountability for my own actions and how I handle things. I spend a lot of time on my phone either doom-scrolling or playing Balatro. I spend a lot of time watching YouTube on my phone instead of just being in the moment. I have fallen back onto those vices in order to get me through the day. Then earlier this week, I folded and gave into watching a Dr. K video. This shouldn’t be something you fold into, but I have problems accepting reality at times and avoid responsibility for as long as I can. I listened to a video of his on why so many men don’t grow up, and I feel like a lot of that video felt like it either directly related to me, or I was getting there. I don’t want to get there and I don’t want to make things worse for myself. I haven’t been studying super hard. I’ve honestly been living on autopilot, doing minimal studying and then going off to do aim training. It’s good to have hobbies, but your hobbies shouldn’t take up most of your time in a given day compared to the work that you have to do. It should be about equal, but the quality of both should be high.For me, it’s skewed onto one side and that’s the side of leisure, using excuses like my breakup and my illness to take over my head instead of truly reflecting on them and doing what I have to do.

I am not a child anymore. I am 23 years old. I can pay taxes, vote, legally drive (but can’t), take out loans, I have a BA. But I don’t work at the moment due to my health problems. I don’t think I’m not going to work forever as there are plenty of people with crohn’s that are worse off and work much harder jobs than me. I am comfortable with my parents allowing me to stay at home for the time being, but I can’t take this for granted forever yk? There has to come a point where I wake up and lock in again, and start building something of myself again.

YouTube isn’t big income, but it’s something, so I’m dedicating more time towards video editing, script writing, recording, and getting other peoples’ opinions on what I’ve written. I feel like the blog posts I write can kind of count of public venting while still putting up some boundaries between me and the reader. That’s the point of it. I want to be raw, and I want others to see me as someone familiar instead of someone who is out of reach if that makes sense. I am a person just like everyone else. You don’t have to overthink it. Just treat me like a human and I’ll treat you like one too.

Streaming again

I know this may seem weird to some, but I am going back to daily streaming during the weekdays for the time being. I have to make some drastic changes in my life, and I think this one is the most drastic one I could make. I have to get done what has to get done without feeding into the temptations of blind consumption and whatnot. I know what works best for me, and I was doing what was best for me at the start of my relationship. That all went away over time though and I let myself go a lot. I don’t know how to balance or manage my time and relationships. It’s all really hard. Streaming again while my health is pretty good seems like a good choice for me. I know a lot of other people are coming back to streaming (like IPL and James) and for me, that makes it all the more motivating. I don’t want to study alongside them though. I want to do my own thing while they do their own things.

On the topic of videos…

I recently recorded and lightly edited a video which I think was okay, but due to feedback from others I am going to re-write and re-record it. For those interested, it’s a video covering my personal health and why taking care of yourself is the most important part of life. I haven’t done that for most of my life, and I want it to be a warning/wakeup call to those who don’t take their own health seriously, or are scared to talk to their parents about it.

Conclusion

That’s the post of the week. Thanks for reading :3