Welcome back!

Welcome back to another Toki Talks! These Toki Talks are supposed to be done on Tuesdays, but I quite frankly couldn’t think of anything to write about until now, so better sooner than later!

I set very rigid “concepts” in my head (sub-categorization)

I think a big portion of this problem comes from the fact that I love to separate things and create order of things I cannot understand. It’s a problem, and it’s a fundamentally flawed way of thinking for multiple reasons, but it’s not without its upsides because clearly it has shown some success in my life.

Identity

I think the best example of this is through my own identity. Let’s say that I want to program, and I want to make websites. There are always stereotypes and the new cool think to talk about when it comes to web development, and I find that I spend a lot of time trying to fit into what that is colloquially instead of actually doing the programming. It’s been this way for my entire life. It’s like if I want to do something, I have to first prove that I am really invested and “in the know” about it on some surface level so I can get by in conversation (i.e. set-up my “programmer” mask) before I can dive head first into anything. Then once I have dove in, I then over-think whether this is something I want to be for an extended period of time or, if this is what I want to be.

Another strong example of this was when I was first learning Spanish. For those who don’t already know, I am Chilean. Half Chilean to be exact. My mother was born and raised in Chile and had me when her and my dad settled in Canada. I didn’t learn Spanish as a kid however. I didn’t want to learn Spanish, because I wanted to be like my dad who spoke English like a radio broadcast (which he was at the time LMAO). Then later in life when I wanted to learn Spanish, I learned all about Chilean informal language to form some sort of identity around being Chilean and speaking Spanish. I did the same with other cultures too so I could be part of some sort of collective, some sort of community. I guess the best way to describe this is I’ve always been a chameleon. I can blend into almost any situation and get by, which makes me seem knowledgeable and social.

This is applied to basically any romance language I have dabbled in, since that’s the language family I am the most familiar with. I speak French very odd, like someone who grew up in Montréal in an Anglophone community. I was born and raised in Southern Ontario. It’s just the colloquial identity I have attributed to my French.

I definitely don’t think that I am NOT knowledgeable in these things I blend in to. It’s just that I have my skill tree unbalanced in the direction of things that don’t really matter as much/aren’t as important for someone who is starting out in acquiring a new skill and wants to grow a solid foundation.

Identity hinders my ability to commit

I think most people can say the same for themselves, but I really have a hard time committing to something that many can relate to, especially those with ADHD. I have a hard time regulating dopamine, and with this I have both a blessing and a curse. I can basically tackle anything that I wish, but with the trade-off of me getting “bored” of it or getting too perfectionistic over it, to the point of doing nothing and never having any output. I’ve had this problem with YouTube, songwriting, and my education. I’ve had this problem with programming too.

This problem of identity is a big part of it. I don’t know what I want to be “labelled” as. I don’t have to be labelled as anything quite frankly. I tell everyone I meet that labels are meaningless and people can label you however they want with any level of knowledge about you. You know who you are best, and as long as you try to be that then the labels you wish to come attributed to you will happen naturally, and you won’t even notice or care because you’re just doing what you know best.

But it’s hard to listen to yourself. It’s harder to listen to yourself than it is to give the same advice to others and believe in them.

Rookies (ルーキーズ)

I’ve been watching the Japanese Drama Rookies (ルーキーズ). It’s one of those shows that’s about a really passionate teacher that really believes in his students. Think “Stand and Deliver” but Japanese, or Slam Dunk but about baseball instead, and the coach/teacher being very unhinged. It’s about second chances, and having people that believe in you, and being able to achieve what you want as long as you work at it, no matter the odds. It’s sort of inspired me to try more, despite my setbacks. There are loads of manga that I can recommend that are based on this idea. Inspiration, the fighting spirit, etc. I just really like being believed in. I think that I haven’t had people believe in me for most of my life because I haven’t let them. I’ve disappointed them because I lead them on with a false premise to please their idea of what they want from me, and leave my aspirations on the side.

I’ve been a mess for a lot of my life. Now, I am more Lucas than I’ve ever been in my life, and I like this direction I’m taking. I like making these weekly posts, and I like making videos about things I like. I hope to continue to push through my physical/mental set-backs and be who I want to be!

Conclusion

That’s all for this week. See y’all next week!