Introduction

Welcome once again to a late iteration of Toki Talks!

I really like things I don’t understand

I think a lot of people with ADHD can relate to this, but I really like diving into what is novel and interesting to me. If I don’t understand, I want to understand it. Even at a surface level, if I cannot make sense of it in my brain, I have to figure out how it works somehow on a fundamental level. This means that I get distracted a lot with other projects and ideas and whatnot. It’s like constantly trying to dopamine-max, and it’s really ass.

One of my latest fixations is just learning about functional programming without knowing what I would even write with it. I think it’s this idea of wanting to assimilate/fit in to what others are doing and find impressive, without thinking for myself and what I need to do. There’s a lot of me that’s unintentionally performative, not for the sake of being performative rather for the sake of being admired by others, or finding some kind of new community online. Another big part of this is it feels really good to understand something others don’t. It feels almost exclusive. But the problem with this is I need people and I need help to understand in order to understand. Learning is a collaborative endeavour. I think in general my mentality with learning is all over the place and it’s something I have to work through.

Friendships and fitting in

I am someone who never really had an issue fitting in and being friendly with a lot of people. I have friends that can’t say the same for themselves, as they were targets for minor bullying/teasing for their interests, while I essentially got away with it scot-free. I was a nerd. I loved gaming. I was above average a lot of the time. I was expressive of myself. But I didn’t really get teased as much, if at all. I was sociable despite being autistic and not really understanding intentions/interactions/people. I always assumed the best in people, regardless of whether it was plainly obvious that did the same or not. I’ve been taken advantage of a lot because of this. My kindness doesn’t go without its drawbacks. But I’ve honestly tanked a lot just out of wanting to fit in. I’ve wanted to feel a part of something, despite already having friends and a community that I am a part of. It’s as if I keep telling myself that “it’s never enough” even when it’s more than that.

Conclusion

That’s it for this week. See y’all next week!