Introduction

Welcome to this week of Toki Talks! This week, we’re going to get a little deeper into life.

Becoming the person I want to be

I’ve taken some time to think more about who I am, where I am, and how I want to get there. I’ve come to the realization that as I am right now – although comfortable – isn’t the same person I’d want to be in even a year, or two years at that. I don’t know if many of you have come to this realization, but it’s like experiencing another ego death where I feel like everything is becoming clearer and my life is being put back into perspective for me.

It’s important to first point out that I do have self compassion towards myself, but it does go too far. There comes a point of having too much self compassion where you become negligent of life as a whole, and I’ve definitely reached that stage once again. I got a notification this week for my screentime, and it isn’t pretty. I logged 7.5 hours of iPhone screentime a day. I realized at the moment I walk around with my phone in my hand like it’s a part of me. I can’t let go of it. I am constantly using it for some sort of stimulation. There’s no justification for using it as much as I have been. It’s just been pure copium. I am 23 years old, living with my parents with little to no incoming from freelancing/YouTube, and spend a good portion of the day either on my phone, on the toilet, or both. This isn’t how I want to live. It’s a shitty (pun intended) reality. It’s hard for me to separate me acknowledging that this isn’t an ideal life and getting lost in “shit life syndrome.” I don’t think I have a terrible life overall. I have a great to be completely honest. I am grateful to have the opportunities that I have. It’s just really upsetting feeling like I’m being left behind in life. Here I am, just writing to a tiny blog that almost no one reads, on a stream that almost no one watches, while other friends of mine are either going back to school, or are working, or have finished their masters.

Coping with illness

More than anything, it’s been hard coping with illness. I’ve been distracting myself with technology because I feel scared and lost by this reality. I’ve been in a very dark place the past week and I haven’t been coping with the thoughts well. That’s apparent by my phone usage. I’m not straight-up giving up on everything. I still stream for a short period of time a day before the body discomfort and fatigue kick into high gear. I think that it’s really easy to say “oh you aren’t your illness! You are more than that!” without being in that position. I lived 22 years without being considered legally disabled. Sure it’s just a label and I am more than that. Hell, I am externally very healthy and able-bodied. But I am not. You just can’t see it. It’s hard not to label myself as something when it’s all so new and I am trying to navigate through it. I am trying to understand it. I already have OCD, and the complications of having Crohn’s and the other issues I’m having weight a lot on my conscious. So why not just say “fuck it” and spend a lot of time scrolling reddit or instagram? It’s bad but it’s been my reality for the past few months (especially since my breakup).

Relationships

I have a hard time coping and maintaining healthy relationships. I’ve lived so long just speaking what’s going on in my life and oversharing. It was a contentious part of my past relationship. It’s also why I’ve had lots of friends either ghost me, drop me, or give up on me. I just speak. I am not a healthy person and I’ve never been one. I was extremely depressed in highschool, was switching mind-altering medications throughout most of university, and then came out getting a chronic illness from some freak accident. Although I am aware everyone in life has their own issues and I acknowledge it, I genuinely think I’ve been super unlucky. Maybe this comes from trying to meet people and grow relationships, failing, and then starting again. I put myself in a position for failure to be possible. But that’s the reality of my life, and talking about it can feel like a weight on other peoples’ shoulders. They might feel like they want to help or they feel overwhelmed knowing they can’t do anything about it, and it becomes a weight on their conscious. It’s unfair for them that I am the way I am, and that I don’t fully disclose or create an environment more “normal?” or like, not heavy? I don’t know the wording for it.

I feel like right now I am both the most mentally healthy that I’ve ever been, but still far from being healthy, and that affects my relationships. I say relationships in all forms of the word.

Life

Life is about failing and picking yourself up again, and it’s the most difficult part of the human experience. Picking yourself back up and going back at it is extremely difficult, but it’s what the most successful and inspiring people have done. It’s this stubbornness and determination that I find very admirable. I feel like I get there, and then I fall out of it because of some form of intense sadness or depression that’s come with my health issues. But here I am once again, making videos pretty regularly while trying to deal with the present and get over the past. If you’re reading this and you’re from my personal life, thank you for sticking around. If you aren’t a part of my life anymore, I wish you the best and I hope you’re doing well. I’ve had a lot weighing on my mind and I haven’t had the best coping methods to help me through this. I want to be a better friend and a better person. This post isn’t the kickstart to this and there won’t be immediate change, but this is a sign that change is to come.

Conclusion

That’s all for this week. Thanks for reading! Hope this wasn’t too upsetting of a read LMAO.