Introduction

It’s been a hard pill for me to swallow for some time now, but I think I have finally came to the realiziation that I don’t have as much time to game as I’d like to think I do. I also place way too much value on gaming achievements compared to other parts of my real life.

Real life goals vs Gaming goals

I made goals at the beginning of the year for myself, and looking back on them a lot of them had to do with gaming and other things that didn’t relate to my own personal growth. I do see gaming as some form of personal growth because I see competitive gaming as a form of personal expression. I’ve learned a lot about myself and how I deal with life through the lens of competitive gaming. But I have other things in my life that need more attention, like how I am going to live for the rest of my life and how I am going to make money doing things online. I sort of clock out at a certain point of the day (also depends heavily on how my health has been that day) and then spend the rest of the time gaming as a way of escapism. Although I have set real life goals for myself, I am scared of taking the next step forward in fear of rejection and thinking that what I do will never be good enough, and that I’ve wasted all my time and effort. I am familiar and comfortable with competitive gaming, so it’s easy to just hop over to. It’s the same with any other type of addiction or unhealthy relationship. We always go back to what’s familiar. In this case, it’s playing CS2.

I have a lot of time to myself which means I have a lot of time to escape reality.

I don’t know if people realize this, but it takes a lot to post yourself online. It took a lot to post myself online. I never really wanted to be a YouTuber with a face for most of my life. I was always faceless and used some sort of avatar. I thought it would be cool to do while in university however so then people could see a face they could relate to. They could see that I’m a person just like them. I deal with a lot of self-doubt and I can just sort of ignore that with gaming. It’s easier to go after gaming than it is something like programming or content creation. I mainly want to do content creation, but the vulnerability is hard at times, especially on as large of a scale as I’m working on.

Pride

There’s too much pride in myself and in what I do. I always think that I can do things my way because “my way is the best way and the only correct one” when in all actuality I couldn’t be further from the truth. That’s the stubbornness bleeding in. It takes a long time for me to admit things to myself. I took some time to write down on paper what really matters to me in the present and how I can work on that, dividing everything into their own quadrants and spaces for focus. Visualization helps me a lot, and it’s what this week’s video is mostly about (stay tuned :p).

Content creation

I have all the time in the world, and content creation is right there. Yet, I don’t do it nearly as often as I should or as I’d like to. I look at people like Sylvan Franklin, and he uploads pretty regularly. It’s very admirable. I see other friends of mine doing regular study streams that run for long hours, and that consistency is great. I think I’ve underestimated how much creativity I have and how much I really want to talk about. I’ve started reading again and writing to myself, and it’s unlocked something. Now almost every day I have either written down a new video idea, or I’ve edited other scripts I want to upload.

Conclusion

That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading :3