I feel like I am slowly losing control of my life due to my impulses and constantly chasing something new. I mean, a lot of what I do throughout the day is fueled by my own need of “treating myself” because “life’s too short” even though I know I have things I want to accomplish by the time I’m like 28. I’ve been spending endless time on counter strike, and since I just put down $100 on some online third-party matchmaking service it feels as if I’m trying to get my money’s worth. In reality it’s just me really coping and knowing that now since I have a job, I can get that money back eventually. Hell, I even put like $25 CAD into some online CS gambling site (which is not something I necessarily want to admit, but after losing a 50/50 that cost me $12 it’s safe to say I’ve retired LMAO). I’m a mess like holy fucking shit man it’s annoying.
I’ve been playing so much counter strike. I just had a week off from Uni that’s supposed to be used to catch up and study so you can get back into the term with a clearer vision, but I spent this entire reading week either watching counter strike, playing counter strike, watching a ton of YouTube, going to work, or sleeping. That’s it. I effectively wasted the entire break just consoooming. It’s hard not to get down on myself when I do things like this because quite frankly, it happens more than I’d like to admit it. I talk the big talk but when it comes down to it, when I start to feel slightly uncomfortable it feels like my world is ending and I start spiralling.
The biggest problem comes from how I handle my crohns and how it affects my daily life. Do you know that feeling of your stomach bubbling? It feels hella uncomfortable. That’s almost every day for me, especially in the morning while my stomach is settling, which USED to be the time of day where I’d like to get the most done. Then when I eat the smaller portion sizes I can eat (eating larger portions can cause irritation), the fatigue can kick in. If I eat something with slightly larger portioning, it’s like food coma times 10 and it feels like I’ve been drugged. It’s crazy how bad the fatigue can get.
What doesn’t help are my current habits. I’ve been getting pretty shit sleep recently because of the amount of time I spend gaming and generally scrolling. This happens every once in a while, but I thought it would be good to be raw and just freewrite for 10 minutes writing about this. This is another tokisuno slip up, and it’s been hella discouraging. Not only discouraging, but it’s been exhausting. I refuse to admit reality until I get to some kind of breaking point, and I think this is the breaking point right here. It’s funny how many times I let myself even hit a breaking point, but I guess such is life. I think I should make some kind of separate blog post at some point of how I’m changing up my setup (gonna swap to a pixel pretty soon) but I’ve honestly been holding it off just because of how I am currently.
It’s funny because I built this channel and my only presence being myself; raw and mostly unfiltered. But now that I have build up this perception of myself, I am scared of doing anything that could shatter that. I feel like as if I have to be perfect in some type of way, even though I know this not to be the case. But here I am, holding myself back out of fear of that identity or persona being shattered. I think this happens to anyone who makes content and stops for a long time.
I’ve literally not touched anything YouTube related just out of fear. It’s paralyzing. I’m still doing other creative shit like writing little pieces of poetry or writing song lyrics for potential songs, but that’s about it. In terms of YouTube, it’s been completely left to the side for the most part. It’s been replaced by more mindless consumption, gaming, and other dopamine stimulating activities, essentially actively overwhelming and overstimulating my brain.
Anyways, that’s the end of this little post. If you’re feeling the same, reach out and maybe join the Discord. That’s all for now. I went a little over 10 minutes but eh, what can ya do LOL.