I constantly rub my fingers together because if I don’t it feels like the world is ending. I constantly rub my hands together to make sure that they have the right feeling. If they don’t I have to go wash my hands or rub them more to itch my brain. When I cross the street, I have to hit the button 10 times, otherwise my brain isn’t convinced that I hit it. I often loose count, so restart over, and over, and over again. I blink harder than I should to get the feeling of not blinking out of my frontal lobe. I sometimes binge-eat in fear of not eating enough, or because I’ve accidentally starved myself again out of being scared to get food. Everything feels dirty so I avoid using my hands when I think it’s unnecessary. I move around and rock back-and-fourth in my chair because I can’t sit still. I always feel uncomfortable. I have nervous ticks because of this, which lead to my lips being bitten so much they sometimes turn bloodied, the skin on my thumbs bleeding, and the joints on my wrists, fingers, and toes being in pain from overuse.
I feel uncomfortable in my skin. It’s an everyday struggle to feel like you don’t belong in what you were born in. This is only the physical part of my OCD. There’s a lot of mental too which I have overcome and probably will never share here. OCD isn’t some funny “teehee look at me I sort my smarties” thing that it’s been portrayed as for decades. It manifests itself in many ways. Some people that have OCD don’t have the same manifestations that I have. Some people experience only physical, some only psychological. I just rolled bad and got both. Skill issue I think.
I am writing this to write this. There’s no deeper meaning. This is what it’s like. If you see me in past streams and wonder why I move around a lot or get up frequently, you now have your answer. It’s taken a long time for me to come to terms with this, and there are certain parts of my being that I still don’t feel comfortable with. I am getting better though. It’s always important to try even a little bit, otherwise what’s the point? Life would be boring if it was too easy. This is just an extra obstacle I have to deal with — extra plot if you will (LMAO).
Maybe I’ll write more about this in the future, but I don’t want to be known as “that study youtuber that has ocd”. But yeah. That’s it. That’s the post.
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