Identity

It’s been no surprise to anyone that I haven’t been uploading anything lately, and a big portion of that is due to insecurity. I want to preface this article by emphasizing this isn’t being posted for the sake of garnering sympathy. I find it therapeutic to write about my inner thoughts and post it online. This blog obviously isn’t comprised of my deepest most inner thoughts – you guys aren’t my therapist.

The whole point of me making this blog was so then I could write guides and rant about what I wanted to rant about and have people read it. I want to use this as another creative outlet. But I haven’t been creative recently, and it’s been bothering me. I used to edit videos for fun when I was a kid. I used to live by Sony Vegas and Photoshop and push through whatever I wanted to do just so then I could make something that looked okay. However, I’ve always been an audio editor more than a video editor, but I’ve been slacking on both while trying to just push out something. If you’re making content or thinking about making content, make something that you’d watch. Make a video that you would watch, make a thumbnail you’d click on, make a title that would intrigue you.

Sometimes I get through a video and I think “wow this is terrible”, but since I sunk so much time into it I just upload it anyways just because I haven’t done so in a while. I want to grow this channel, but I have no clear direction as to where I want to take it. I am a hobbyist, I love doing a lot of things and I have a lot of skills. Unfortunately I haven’t been true to those skills due to me falling back into old habits. My health is still not the best, and living is a daily struggle. It’s uncomfortable living as I am right now.

Content

I believe the biggest evil to be shame. Where there’s guilt, there’s shame. Where there’s anger, there’s shame. Shame shame shame. I feel a lot of shame. I feel ashamed for not doing as much as I’ve wanted to, I feel ashamed for being as unwell as I am right now, I feel ashamed for not following through on my word. My dad works as a freelancer and I remember him telling me about a friend he had that was really flaky. He was all talk and wouldn’t follow through on his word. I feel as if I am that right now, and I am not proud of it. Obvious I have good excuses, but that’s all they are. Excuses. I don’t want to sit around doing nothing and giving into degenerate temptations and addiction like I have been. I’ve been doing a good job at not doing so too. But I feel bad when I leave this channel dormant to focus on my real life.

This is the most amount of subscribers and attention I’ve gotten online before, and I don’t really know how to deal with it, even if it’s still small in numbers. There’s a lot of eyes and attention and that’s weird to me. I used to quit YouTube channels all the time when I wasn’t “feeling it”, or if “I didn’t like the direction I was going in.” Keep in mind, I would make another channel with the same name most of the time, changing everything ever so slightly. I kept on restarting wanting to keep a smaller fanbase every time and once things got slightly bad in my head, I would run away. I chose to not run away with this account because I find it to be entertaining. I like my little community. But I have a problem of being too hard on myself which results in shame and guilt.

I haven’t been feeling good about my content, and I haven’t been feeling good about the identity I’ve been creating on this channel. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I have a lot of interests that I want to talk about and share with everyone but my video editing skills are far from good. Since starting The Odin Project, I haven’t been as creative of as person as I normally am. I journal less, I think about content less, I write less. I give into the fatigue and don’t bounce back for the rest of the day.

I’m going to start doing the free Davinci Resolve course that BlackMagic has online so I can become more familiar with it, so videos are hopefully going to be better by then. So until then, expect one or two videos before the summer ends. That’s all for now.